Dark Place

Laying in the dark. Not really knowing what to think, What to feel.

I’m trying to become numb to everything. I don’t want to feel.

To be honest. I don’t want to live.

I don’t understand the purpose of life anyway. To me It’s pointless, but we are here.

Not for ourselves but for God. He wanted us to live. So He spoke us into existence And the saying is true.

Everyone dies but not everyone lives. Some of us just exist.

And that’s all I’m doing, just existing. Wondering when will I ever start living Or will I ever live. What kind of life will I live?

Sometimes I just want to curse God and die. Why would He choose to give me life.

Sometimes I feel cursed. Yet I remember God telling me I was born blessed.

But how? How could I when I was born unwanted. I’m rejected, Misunderstood, overlooked. A nobody in everybody eyes.

So you tell me how I’m blessed!

Oh wait I will tell you! It’s because I have inheritance. God protected me from danger seen and unseen. I haven’t had the best but I haven’t had the worse. So I have no excuses.

Everyone thinks my life is perfect. I have no reason to feel the way I do, but that’s just it.

I haven’t been through anything. I have no experiences. Nothing exciting to tell.

The story God is writing for me I feel it is stupid and bland. There’s nothing to me. I feel like I was cheated.

If I saw my book on a shelf, I would over look it like everyone else does

Sometimes I just want to take the pen from God’s hand, And write my own story.

The things I would do, both good and bad. The enjoyment I would feel. Writing the drama even a little horror.

Life is a roller coaster meant to be enjoyed. it has It’s ups and downs. And every ride has It’s big rise, but it seem the big drop is always more enjoyable. With both hands up, I would enjoy the wicked ride down to destruction.

And right before the crash and burn. Just before death can grab me. Like a eagle spiraling down full speed. Nothing but wind behind it, looking as its about to hit bottom.

I would spread my wings and Fly. I would fly high and soar.

Like a lion standing on the rock of pride, I would be the king of the jungle and everyone would bow to my roar.

But then I guess that story wouldn’t be any different then others. Plus God did say He’s doing a new thing. But i can’t help but feel this new thing is very boring.

My life is nothing but a train ride for little kids. Going in circles the same slow speed. The same scenery. The same people watching, expecting me to enjoy the ride when there’s nothing to enjoy. I have grown up And become to big for this ride. But it seems everyone wants to keep me here.

Here in this tight place of discomfort. I’m a caged bird with restricted freedom.

What’s the point of free will when we end up doing what someone else wants anyway.

Instead of being rebellious like everyone else, enjoying their life caring less of what people say. I’m stuck having to be cautious of my life and the way I live it. People always watching and talking about me. But yet I’m so unimportant to them. I’m invisible to them. Yet I’m all they see and talk about.

I’m in a dark place in my life.

I don’t like it here.

I’m tired of living in a shell, but I know I’m not ready to hatch.

I want out but I refuse to be a caterpillar again. I refuse to crawl or to make lowly places my home.

I want to fly. I want to be a beautiful butterfly with vibrant colors. I want the heavens to be my home.

So I stay in this cocoon.Allowing God to mold and shape me.

But I want out!

It’s dark in here and I’m lonely. I’m not happy here.

I want out.

I want better but I know I’m not ready.

So I’m laying in the dark parallel to my soul. Looking for the missing pieces of my heart. Trying to dust the dirt off my bones.         Trying to look half way alive.

The only reason I still exist is because hope is still alive. My faith hasn’t died and apart of me still believe in God’s promises.

God I promise to try to make the most of this moment of my life. But I’m telling You now,

I’m not staying here and I hope You don’t expect me too.

I’m in a dark place in my life and I don’t know if I’m a live or die here. But the crazy thing is,

Is that I’m not afraid!

Late Bloomer

Don’t be discouraged

Don’t be dismayed

You endured the April showers

Its way past May

And you still haven’t bloomed

Don’t fear

Soon and very soon

Your blessing will be here

Its okay

Your blessing is a little late

So you missed your season

You wasn’t ready

Everything has a time and place

Maybe you were on time but out of place

Or maybe you were in the right place

But you were running late

Whatever the case

Know that God allowed it for a purpose and reason

So you took a few blows

And lost a few battles

But that doesn’t mean that you are defeated

You still have roots in the ground

So you can still live

You can still rise up

The devil wants you to stay down

He wants you to give up

But I came to encourage you

Don’t give up on God

Because He want give up on you

He knew you were going to let Him down

He knew you were going to mess up

But He still loves you

He came down and became as us

He sacrificed Himself to save us

He took strips so that we could be healed

He was beaten and whipped

Mocked, ridiculed and spit on

Blameless, He took our blame

Sinless, Have took our sin and our shame

Put it on a cross and marched up a hill

There did His blood spill

He hung His head and died so that we could live

What a loving God we serve

After all of that, He Loves us still

Instead of giving us what we deserve

He choose to die to defeat death And sin

And rose from the gave so that we could live again

So what, you got distracted and lost focus

Caught up in the pleasure of your sin and how you feel

You choose to do what you wanted to do instead of God’s will

Because you choose to waste time

Your blessing was delayed

Delayed but not denied

God made you a promise

He can not lie

You will be delivered

You will be healed

You are  prosperous

You do have power

You are anointed

You are His child

You are a beautiful flower

You will blossom

Even though you may bloom a little late

Its okay

Can you feel His tears of mercy showering down on you

Can you feel His grace shining down on you

Even though you messed up

He loves you still

So don’t give up

You shall live

A Letter to All Queens

You are a queen

Sit pretty And smile polite

Wave With gratitude

You may even slightly nod

My queen

Let out your inner goddess

Be sexy, Be daring, Be confident

And always humble yourself before God

Be loving, be caring, Be kind

Always keep in mind those less fortuned than you

My queen

Be a woman of brilliance, intelligence, And creativity

Be powerful, be great, Be phenomenal

Be opened minded, be adventurous, Don’t be afraid to try new things

Be of good couragecourage, have faith, Be patience,

And In all things be grateful

Be a woman of elegance and grace

Have some class

Have a little sass

Not too much that it kills your image

Be a woman of integrity

Have dignity and pride

My queen

 Know your worth

You are priceless

Understand your value is so much higher

Than the jewels men lay at your throne

You deserve more than an effortless gesture

But a genuine heart

He must be willing to work hard and fight for your hand

He will love and respect you because he love and respect hisself

He understands you are a gift from God meant to be treasured and well taken care of

If he is not of the standards OF God Then you leave the peasants for the harlots

My queen

You are a daughter of the most high God

The King of kings

Through Jesus Christ

You are a heir of holy royalty

Clothed in the righteousness of Christ

Crowned With Glory

Your body is a sacred temple

For the dwell lance  of the holy spirit

So present yourself

Holy and acceptable

Be pure, Be perfected

Until called into perfection

Acknowledge your flaws

No one is perfect

Yet everyday we are being perfected

My queen

You are beautiful

Rather you turn a 100 men’s heads

Or you can’t get a man

To look at you twice

Rather you a hot girl or a not girl

You are beautiful

No matter your

Shape, size, or shade

Your are beautiful

For you were wonderfully and fearfully made

You were created in the image and likeness

Of  your Heavenly Father

And everything about Him is beautiful

So that makes You beautiful

You are a fly girl

You walk amongst eagles

So Spread your wings and fly girl

Sparkle like a diamond

And shine like a pearlpearl

You’re valuable

So no matter what they say

Or try to do

In effort to tear your self esteem down

Stand talltall, be strong

And through it all

Be you tiful

Beautiful

And always remember

You are a queen

So sit pretty and smile polite

Crossroads

Everybody’s path in life is different, but our purpose is the same. That’s to give God all the glory from our lives. The life of Christ is lived out through His children. Some experience the fame of Christ, and some the loneliness of Him. Christ experienced so much in so little of time. He was tried on every side. He understands every hurt and every pain. He feels all sadness and knows every tear. He is with us with every up and every down of life. Christ lived it. He died for it and God raised Him from the dead so that we could live in TOTAL VICTORY. The bible says “the enemy comes to steal kill and destroy, but I come that you may have life and life more abundantly.” How do we receive this abundant life? By giving up our life. Sacrificing our desires for His. By exchanging everything we are for everything He is so that God may be glorified & pleased and we may be blessed and set free. Everyone loves to use (john 3:16) when talking about salvation but I love the scripture (Luke 9:23) that reads, “if any man will come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me” because it shows that salvation is more than just confessing and believing, but its a lifestyle. It took awhile for me to fully understand it. Believe it or not, it took me leaving the church to find the help I needed. I still struggle with surrenderance because I know no matter how blessed I will be I don’t think I’m ready for the pain and loneliness that’s coming with it. I’ve struggled with a lot of different emotions over the past few years & as of now I struggle with being grateful. I don’t always appreciate God, nor my family and few true friends as well as my church. I remember God told me I was selfish in my ways. As I stood at the crossroads, I fought with God about which path I wanted to take. As much as I want to do what I want I know the temporary pleasure isn’t worth the eternal torture. So like a spoiled child, sometimes I kick and drag my feet. Pout and complain. Just as Jonah my anger grows cause I know the very ones that look down on me and talk about me are the very people I will  have to help. Their jealous of me when Im mad at them cause God allowed them to rebel and do whatever they want and at the end if they repent and accept God they receive the same reward as the person who been saved all their life and did everything right. Then their story is always more glorified. Their able to reach more people than the person who did the right thing all the time. I don’t see the justice or favor for the one who made right choices. But its God’s doings. This is the constant battle within as of now. Someone may ask then “why do you follow Christ, if you really want to do something else?” I would reply “because the life my flesh desires to live is not worth sacrificing the life Christ died to give me. And even if the walkwalk is lonely and boring, I still will walk it. Even if I wasn’t happy.” You may ask, “what if it’s not worth it?” I’ll answer, “well if it’s not worth it in the end, just having the privilege to serve a holy & just God sounds worth it to me. No matter what He is worthy.” I pray for the strength to carry my cross for Him just as He carried the cross for me. Thanks for reading be blessed. 😊

Great Heights

Im up so high, my head touching the ceiling.

Im at dangerous levels.

But if you wanna fly, you have to be willing to leave the ground.

Its easy not to try, and to give up.

Its easy to stay down.

It takes courage and strenght to keep

Trying, to keep pushing. You gotta keep climbing up.

Success is scary it means taking risk.

But dont give up, keep fighting with tight fist.

Never give up.

And dont beat yourself up over your failures.

Because your going to fall until you learn how to fly.

So no matter what, you gotta keep flapping your wings until you become master of the sky.

Perfect Peace

(Isaiah 26:3) “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.”

---

If your like me, then you probably cry RIVERS! Unhappy, unsatisfied, unaccomplished, and it hurts so much. But what hurts worse is feeling alone. Like no one cares, no one is willing to help you, no one will listen. And those that do, they only do it to have a reason to bring you down more. You feel yourself becoming bitter and there is so much anger building up in you, if you dont find an outlet, you will explode. I know this is me. So Who is your encourager? Who / what is your motivation? Where’s the drive? Where’s that push when you need it most? Truth is, we all look for someone else to do for us what we must do for ourselves, but no one can live your life for you. You have to figure it out & live it for yourself. And learn to love your life. Learn to love yourself. I remember God told me I can’t help anyone until I’ve helped myself. So instead of complaining and crying like I’m doing right now, I have to get up and be my own drive. I have to be my own motivation. How do I do that? By keeping my mind on Heavenly things. By trusting God, that He is who He say He is. He will do what He said He would do. Reminding myself of His promises. By getting in His word.

---

“Thou will keep him in perfect peace”

God will keep you in perfect peace. Meaning even when things are not going well. There’s hell all around, you want be moved. Your joy will remain. Your smile will shine through the darkness because He will keep you.

“who’s mind is stayed on thee”

Who do God keep? He keeps does that focus on Him. In order to be kept in peace while experiencing hell is by not focusing on what’s around you but on Who is in you and over your life. Remind yourself of His word. Remember His promise over your Life & speak life to yourself.

“because he trusted in thee”

And because you trrst Him with your life and with your situation, He keeps you. Because you have faith in Him. Listen faith is the most important possession of life. Without faith you have nothing and will never have anything. The bible says that it is impossible to please God without faith. Impossible!

So “in all things give thanks” (1 thess. 5:18)  trust God. Believe in yourself. And know that you are important. You have purpose. Your not here by mistake. (Jeremiah 29:11) God has a plan. Sometimes we don’t understand & may not agree with the trouble we have to go through for His glory. But we must remember we were bought with a price. Speak life over yourself today.

---

Prayer

Dear heavenly father I come to You today giving you thanks. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for caring. You cared enough to die for me. Its good Friday, and this is the day you gave your life for an ungrateful soul like mine. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I have given up on myself. Please forgive me for all of my sins. For putting others before you. Worshipping my sins. Forgive me for being so foolish to think I could find a human being that can love me more than you. No one can ever take your place no one can love me like you. The bible says there was no greater love shown then He who gave his life for a friend. Thanks for being my friend even when I pushed you away. Thank you Jesus for coming down to save me. Thank you that your blood still works. And someone may be praying with me right now. Bless them father. Keep us today. Keep our minds transform our minds. Renew our spirits today oh God. We ask you to do that for us today because we can’t do it on our own. Only you can change us. God bless us with the will power and drive to take the first mile into our destiny. You told me if I go the mile you would go two. I come boldly standing on your promise. I trust you. And you know I don’t trust easily. But I’m tired of the same old boring life. I want something new and fresh. Revive me Lord. Maybe someone is struggling like me. They are at war with who they are, and who their meant to be. Help them today. We struggle with self esteem, acceptance, and loneliness. We’ve been told we are ugly, we are nothing. We’ve been overlooked and underestimated. Rejected and outcaste for your glory God. Now God we ask on Your timing will You raise us up that men may see & witness your power. That they will know that we belong to you. You told us touch not your anointed. Have mercy on those that spoke evil over us. And forgive us for speaking ill of anyone dear God. I speak life today. I speak healing and peace. I declare that the devil us a liar. We are more than conquers. We will be great. We are the chosen generation and we are free. No limits no boundaries. No more chains in Jesus mighty name. I bind up the ungodly spirits bitterness and anger. In Jesus name restore the joy of our salvation. And keep us in perfect peace. Thank you God for it is sealed and done. We believing you for the miracle. Love you!

Ok guys thanks for reading i love you God loves you more be blessed.

“The walk is lonely but your not alone”

Life Lessons

There’s a lot you can learn in books. There’s a lot you can learn from observation and listening, but in some cases, experience will be your best teacher.

LIVE

Be grateful you alive

They say, but being alive isnt enough

Me, i want to LIVE!

#Haiku18 #fullLife #desire #existing #purpose #liveonpurpose #haveapurposeforliving #grateful

Done

When you trust people & they betray you. You try & try & they continue to lie & lie. It hurts even if you don’t want it to. It will never change. So move on or deal w/ the b.s.

Quote

“For one to find himself, he must be willing to lose himself.” –❤JQNobles

---

sometimes you have to be willing to step outside your comfort zone in order to grow as a person.  There’s always room for growth. Life is a journey to a better you.  So let the journey begin.