Laying in the dark. Not really knowing what to think, What to feel.
I’m trying to become numb to everything. I don’t want to feel.
To be honest. I don’t want to live.
I don’t understand the purpose of life anyway. To me It’s pointless, but we are here.
Not for ourselves but for God. He wanted us to live. So He spoke us into existence And the saying is true.
Everyone dies but not everyone lives. Some of us just exist.
And that’s all I’m doing, just existing. Wondering when will I ever start living Or will I ever live. What kind of life will I live?
Sometimes I just want to curse God and die. Why would He choose to give me life.
Sometimes I feel cursed. Yet I remember God telling me I was born blessed.
But how? How could I when I was born unwanted. I’m rejected, Misunderstood, overlooked. A nobody in everybody eyes.
So you tell me how I’m blessed!
Oh wait I will tell you! It’s because I have inheritance. God protected me from danger seen and unseen. I haven’t had the best but I haven’t had the worse. So I have no excuses.
Everyone thinks my life is perfect. I have no reason to feel the way I do, but that’s just it.
I haven’t been through anything. I have no experiences. Nothing exciting to tell.
The story God is writing for me I feel it is stupid and bland. There’s nothing to me. I feel like I was cheated.
If I saw my book on a shelf, I would over look it like everyone else does
Sometimes I just want to take the pen from God’s hand, And write my own story.
The things I would do, both good and bad. The enjoyment I would feel. Writing the drama even a little horror.
Life is a roller coaster meant to be enjoyed. it has It’s ups and downs. And every ride has It’s big rise, but it seem the big drop is always more enjoyable. With both hands up, I would enjoy the wicked ride down to destruction.
And right before the crash and burn. Just before death can grab me. Like a eagle spiraling down full speed. Nothing but wind behind it, looking as its about to hit bottom.
I would spread my wings and Fly. I would fly high and soar.
Like a lion standing on the rock of pride, I would be the king of the jungle and everyone would bow to my roar.
But then I guess that story wouldn’t be any different then others. Plus God did say He’s doing a new thing. But i can’t help but feel this new thing is very boring.
My life is nothing but a train ride for little kids. Going in circles the same slow speed. The same scenery. The same people watching, expecting me to enjoy the ride when there’s nothing to enjoy. I have grown up And become to big for this ride. But it seems everyone wants to keep me here.
Here in this tight place of discomfort. I’m a caged bird with restricted freedom.
What’s the point of free will when we end up doing what someone else wants anyway.
Instead of being rebellious like everyone else, enjoying their life caring less of what people say. I’m stuck having to be cautious of my life and the way I live it. People always watching and talking about me. But yet I’m so unimportant to them. I’m invisible to them. Yet I’m all they see and talk about.
I’m in a dark place in my life.
I don’t like it here.
I’m tired of living in a shell, but I know I’m not ready to hatch.
I want out but I refuse to be a caterpillar again. I refuse to crawl or to make lowly places my home.
I want to fly. I want to be a beautiful butterfly with vibrant colors. I want the heavens to be my home.
So I stay in this cocoon.Allowing God to mold and shape me.
But I want out!
It’s dark in here and I’m lonely. I’m not happy here.
I want out.
I want better but I know I’m not ready.
So I’m laying in the dark parallel to my soul. Looking for the missing pieces of my heart. Trying to dust the dirt off my bones. Trying to look half way alive.
The only reason I still exist is because hope is still alive. My faith hasn’t died and apart of me still believe in God’s promises.
God I promise to try to make the most of this moment of my life. But I’m telling You now,
I’m not staying here and I hope You don’t expect me too.
I’m in a dark place in my life and I don’t know if I’m a live or die here. But the crazy thing is,
Is that I’m not afraid!